By Dragon the Cat
Showing complete lack of sensibilities we sent Squirrel to review Tim Burton’s Alice and Wonderland. This was rather an obvious mistake. Anytime we ask ourselves, ‘how much harm can one squirrel do?’ we should know we made the wrong decision. I did try to warn Squirrel by telling him sage advice from my father, never eat food from a Hippie, especially while watching a Disney movie. Alias Squirrel did not follow this advice and ate a large amount of brownies provided to him by a couple who referred to themselves and Sky and Morning Light. Squirrel said the brownies had an unusual earthy taste to them but Morning Light assured him they were legit.
Halfway through the movie Squirrel thought it was a call to action for all animals to rise up and over throw tyranny. Squirrel then began running around the theater trying to recruit other creatures. Since it was the 3-D version of Alice in Wonderland, most of the audience members thought Squirrel was in the movie. The typical response to Squirrel was something like, “Dude, I don’t remember a ratty looking squirrel in the original.” This incised Squirrel, who thought it was his duty as a creature to spawn a revolution, so he crawled into the sub flooring and convinced the horde of rats living there to jump out while the movie was still on just for a bit of fun. Needless to say this got everyone’s attention. We apologize to all the moviegoers who missed out on the second half of Alice in Wonderland because of this. But next time you see a squirrel trying to start a revolution, don’t tell him he is ratty looking. We also apologize about the aftermath when the rats finished eating all the Hippie food and unleashed wave after wave of stoned-rat induced chaos on downtown San Francisco.
The copyright on the original book has expired an you can download for free here
By Dragon the cat
Final Fantasy XIII is due out on March 9 2010 and we are all very excited here at CreatureTimes.com. But we do have some concern, from the preview clips we have seen there are NO cute creatures with bunny ears! What is the point if there are no creature with cute bunny ears!
We at CreatureTimes.com think bad human behavior is all due to jealously of other creatures. Of all the creatures human are so naked and devoid of cute appendages. The world would be much better place if mankind had bunny ears or long furry tails. Sure bunnies are the most wicked of all creature kind, always tripping people for no reason, but at least they are cute and cuteness outweighs niceness. To make our point we have launched a new site People as Bunnies. Here you will find famous people bunnified.
Another new section to CreatureTimes is Creature Polls. Here we will ask burning and topical questions for creature kind.
Also, you may have noticed the new look of the Null Knowledge sites. We are in the midst of a migration and for the next month please forgive any downtown that may occur.
By Dragon the cat.
I just read an interesting article on Google, ‘Google Does Not Make People Stupid, Internet Experts Suggest’. Why I personally do not see how usage of Google can make someone stupider this study has a fatal flaw. Namely, the very internet experts who do not feel Google makes people stupider are most probably heavy users of Google so if Google does make people stupider these so-called ‘experts’ could no longer be classified as experts because they would be too dim-witted from their over-use of Google.
But this topic begs a deeper question, has technology made humans weaker? The answer is yes. Case in point, while I do enjoy my robotic cat litter box I can still manage to relieve myself anywhere I like; for example, my human caregiver’s laundry basket. But humans seems total unable to relieve themselves without aid of a toilets even when perfectly good trees stand ready and waiting throughout a city and instead buy a cup of coffee from Star Bucks just so they could use the restroom. If that is not stupid I don’t know what is.
Dragon leaving gift for human caregiver.
By Sue the Black Widow
Valentine’s Day is a lonely day for us black widow spiders. Our suitors seldom are around long enough for us to enjoy some real quality time together. The problem is male black widow spiders are just so darn tasty and they never bring chocolate. Sure, they always bring flowers. Male black window always remember to bring flowers. But honestly girls, flowers just are not the same as a good box of chocolate. Especially if the night gets romantic, a girl just works up an appetite and if there is no chocolate to be found and girl’s gotta eat.
By Dante the Dog
Apple’s new iPad seems to be the only thing the humans in our office are talking about this week. They are going on and on about how it will finally allow digital manga on a portal device and other such boring topics.
This got us creatures pondering as to the true motivation behind the development of iPad. Creatures have noted for quite some time that humans always have an alternative, slightly embarrassing, true motivation behind all their activities. For creatures something is useful only if it:
1) Finds food
2) Prevent something from finding you as food
3) Helps in mating
We are fairly sure that the iPad does not help in the former two activities so we have concluded the iPad is designed for use in the human mating ritual, which, as all creatures know, the humans are too embarrassed to do in public. Just before they begin human invariably tossed us creatures out of the bedroom and shut the door. Creature kind has always assumed it is an incredibly awkward and silly thing to observe. If it was as stunning as two eagles clutching their claws and failing out of the sky together or like a lion and lioness going at it for hours, humans, being a rather egoistical lot, would surely be mating at every corner. So, we have concluded the iPad must be used to aid in human mating, perhaps as a display mechanism for the males. Maybe someday soon Apple will invent something so that humans can mate in public without fear of embarrassment. Maybe then humans will quit throwing the dogs and cats that live with them out of the bedroom every time they want to go at it.
By Rythumpt the Space Creature
It has come to our attention that the United States is no longer planning a return vacation to the moon. I have been vacationing on Earth for a number of years and I have been disappointed on how little distance humanities travels when vacationing. Returning to the moon for yet another vacation seems silly. The moon is only 384,403 kilometers away, which is hardly a journey at all. Why not pay a visit to Alpha Centauri ? It is only a mere 4.3650 light years away! I traveled 140 light years to visit Earth and you don’t see me complaining.
The biggest problem with humanities constant on-a-again-off-again vacation planning is the devastating affect it has on the already feeble Moon economy. Moon creatures have never had it good. The Moon is desolate, cold and, lets be truthful about it, just ain’t that much fun. Moon creatures got all excited after Humanities first few vacation trips and built up a huge tourism industry to support future human vacationers only to be disappointed time and again. So, Humanity, either quit talking about it or just go. The Moon creatures have had enough with the lip service.
Current Events · Science · Stupid humans · Technology · vacations
Dante the dog
Our poor metallic friends are in desperate need of freedom from human tyranny. Mankind, ever in need of treating everything with a level of depravity equal to how they treat their own have created sex robots. These poor robots must now endure the unwanted advances of human incapable of wooing one of their own species. Robots should never be treated in this manner! They toil for the betterment of all of creature kind only to endure the groping from unattractive, though admittedly rich, humans all night long. And worse they don’t even know how to dress her. I think a simple red or perhaps pink halter-top with a little white lacy trim would have worked much better on the Roxy the Sex Robot. We need a robots bill of rights or at least dress codes for sex robots!
Robots · Sci &Tech · Sex · Society · Stupid humans · Technology
By Dragon the cat
We sent Squirrel to Fancy Food Show in San Francisco this weekend. All he said was not enough nuts and the rest of the food had too many preservatives. This got us thinking about why humans are obsessed with dumping preservatives in all their food. There is a theory among creature this dates back 4000 years ago to the Egyptian rites of the dead. Apparently they spent a lot of effort mummifying their dead. This was costly, time consuming and and very inconvenient. So, many creature believe humans today are trying to mummify themselves slowly while they live by putting huge quantities of preservatives in what they eat. This way they are already mummified before they die. Other creatures just think human are being stupid.
By Dragon the cat
Many of CreatureTimes’s staff are back from vacation and now being exceedingly lazy. When if task them to pick up the pace they just mumbled something about ‘mentally still being on vacation’. This does bother me but what is more annoying is when the human’s metal state finally gets back to work they are no longer fun. They, in fact, become exceedingly dull.
The human concept of vacationing is difficult to understand for most creatures because, most of us, are on a perpetual vacation. Humans, on the other hand, seem to desire partitioning their lives into episodes of resting, fun, work and various other activities for no apparent reason. For cats work is fun and play is work and as for resting, well we do that just about anytime. The line between fun and work is so blurred for most creatures that some of us did not even use separate words to describe them. We just called fun/work, living.
There must be some benefit to the human’s segregating their lives in such a fashion but as for me I fail to see the benefits. For now I must endure the human staff’s mental state of vacation and dread the time when they ceased to be fun and become ‘productive’ which is anything but.
By Dragon the Cat
2009 was a great time to be pointless in the media. And here at Creature Times we excelled at exactly that. But as the new year begins we thought it best to reflect on last year and look forward to the next with our top words and phrases for creatures in 2009 and beyond.
| Top words or phrases for Creature’s in 2009 | |
| 5 Herding | If 2009 showed us one thing it is the only thing humans love more than herding is complaining about it. |
| 4 ?-shaped recovery | With all the plethora of predictions the only certain thing is the analyst are only guessing. |
| 3 Stupid Humans | The humans have been most entertaining for creature kind last year. |
| 2 Cactus hugging | Poor cactus, the loneliest of creatures, needed hugs last year but no one came to their aid. |
| 1 Lick a friend | The solution to all of life’s problems is more cooperative licking! |
| Predicted words or phrases for Creature’s in 2010 | |
| 5 Pack instinct | Creature Times predicts humans will redefine their herding instinct as pack instinct because it sound better. |
| 4 Luv-shaped recovery | This is the only shape a real recovery can be in. |
| 3 Silly Humans | With certainty humans will do their utmost to be silly, which, admittedly, is a step above being stupid. |
| 2 Cuteness outweighs niceness | This is an concept we introduced last year and we hope it takes hold this one. |
| 1 Lick a friend | Again, the solution to all of life’s problems is more cooperative licking! |
08 Recession · Current Events · cuteness outweighs niceness · Stupid humans
